A Short (Non) Film: Dealing with "Peak Paranoia"

Words by Matthew Spence:

Previously on “As the Nerd Writes”

Nolan may not wake up from his coma.
Diana reveals to Hunter that Synclaire might not be his daughter.
Nadine and Iris’s affair is no secret to the partners anymore.

Also, the Creative Contract: “When we’re called to something, as corny as that sounds, we’re not aware of the cons and mental consequences that come with it until we reach that point.”

And now Part II. Curtains Up.

As the old saying goes, “They grow up so fast,” and a new version of it is “AHHHHHHHHH.”As a creative, you spend a lot of time reflecting on the past with an eye towards the future. One minute you’re making smiley faces on a plate with ketchup and tater tots, the next wondering when life got so serious, especially in the underbelly world of arts. That thought is pressed up more than DIY band shirts. From coming of age to trying to come up, it feels like being a creative is signing up to be a test dummy for life’s first batch of experimental tablets. Doubt, stress, frustration, and burnout, and yet positive, confident, determined, eager, and hopeful—with a pinch of delusion. The hot and cold water turned on at the same time. Walking examples of product commercials that have four or five benefits yet 300 side effects. Yet in the process of progress, the journey of getting it and creating it has some consequences that affect the two purposes in the best and worst ways. An evergreen mental vice that wears the name tag of “Hello, my name is Peak Paranoia.”

Cherry Data states that one in every creative (not named Tyler, the Creator, and Ye West) encounters peak paranoia, like a possum encounters a semi-truck.

Peep the signs and look out for yourself and your creative homie:

-Locked in and locked away
-“Ribs” by Lorde is on a 24/7 loop.
-Existing and letting your emotions mutate into mental illness

Society isn’t a good emotional support system, as it plays a role in the cause and effect for everyone. The romanticization of youth is something that’s never-ending in both healthy and negative ways. This mental drag race is on the away team; when you want to create for a living, it feels like the clock timing us is getting bigger than Big Ben. The speed is normal, but we hear every single tick and click with Hi-Fi quality.

Especially when you’re in a creative field, the peak paranoia forces you to build your own world because you feel the chances of being allowed into others’ are getting slimmer, to the point where you need to sneak in with a fake passport.

Music, fashion designing, modeling, acting, and so on: these and many other industries gravitate towards the next big hip thing. The youth carry the culture, and it’s easier to speak to the youth when you’re part of them and one of them. It’s spread across culture. Forbes’s ’30 under 30′ list celebrates the youngest achievers, Olympic athletes breaking records, and inventors making history before 23. Reminders that Billie Eilish had achieved everything she’s done before 25, and Chief Keef wrote Love Sosa at 16. So on your trip to your dreams, it’s so easy to go glum when you wake up back in your reality that you might be stuck in. Whether it’s maybe a place of poverty or a soul-snatching, dead-end job. Roaming in the “crab in the bucket feeling.” Social media doesn’t help a motherfucking thing. You know where you are and how far behind you are: broke, trying, crying, and dying inside.

Peak paranoia could mutate how we create our art and navigate our lives, reaching for the stars to create the best, but with a sense of urgency, whether consciously or subconsciously, but that urgency comes at a cost. Now, sure, that push can be a needed crutch for a future trick up your sleeve, possibly, but it still carries around the narrative and stigma that rotates around creativity and aging.

On the Mount Rushmore of Sadboys and Morrissey’s biggest opp, Robert Smith of The Cure, famously went on a mission to create his magnum opus. The Cure’s “Disintegration” only exists due to him needing to make his best work as he was turning 30, as he felt 30 is where your creative pulse flatlines. The second the clock hits midnight on your birthday, it’s all downhill. His frame of reference is one of his musical idols, David Bowie, and his favorite project of his, “Low.” To Robert, “Low” was David’s greatest work. Post “Low,” never hit quite the same. When did Bowie write & record “Low”? 29 years old.

Nothing is worse than getting in your own way; peak paranoia can give you mental goosebumps and poison you because it digs deeper than just creatively, but also with life. I’m 26 years old, and I’ve wanted my own magazine since I was 17, in the midst of my own journey of determination and eagerness for success and admiration from peers and prayers who get it while they’re young. By 21, 22, or 23 years old, I made the note, “If I don’t make it by 30, I might as well kill myself.” As days went by, pressure got high, and so did the stakes, which got lower and lower to where I felt 25 would be the beginning of the end, which is the danger of peak paranoia and the ultimate bottom line. It emphasizes the idea that you can only enjoy life and youth, whether regarding your creative success and living the dream or everyday life hopefulness; it’s pointless if you can’t enjoy it. Given the idea that life becomes monochrome once you get past your prime years, there’s no passion anymore in your marriage to life.

Even if you get it beyond 30, will it be as respected, celebrated, and appreciated as your 21-year-old peers? It’s like a trail of regret and doubt leading you to a destination of confusion and possible unfulfillment.

The idea of creative peaks is something that mosquito bites us at least a couple of times in life; if you’re hoping to create for a living, it’s easy to scratch that itch. In that moment, however, you gotta learn to put your performance first and confront the obnoxious heckling, so to speak, because once you realize that peaking is a state of the mind, there’s no real limit on creativity. 20, 30, 40, 50, 60: everyone’s track record may have its hiccups; some people gracefully age like wine, while others lose the juice at 25. But ultimately, giving yourself an expiration date is worse than any insult someone can give you. You’ll become mentally exhausted like a dog chasing its tail. Overextending yourself without a moment to celebrate yourself, and diminishing all the positives you do have in your life when you constantly compare it to what you want.

Artistic expression is just that—artistic expression—and whatever you want to convey through your favorite medium, Go the fuck ahead; whatever it turns out to be can be a diamond. Think of the success stories of art posted by people in their thirties and up with 30, 40, 50, or 60+ years of experience in this game called “Stay Alive”—I mean, “Life.”

If Björk’s legendary career starts at 30 and Donald Glover’s is officially in everyone’s home in playlists by 35, I think we need to cut ourselves some slack. Chilly, we’re in a renaissance of OG hip-hop artists, proving age is nothing but a number. So, haha, hush that fuss; everybody move to the back of the bus. Killing the noise of what society may say is easy, but it’s mandatory to fully enjoy yourself and your life in and out of the art world.

Duct tape in your creative mouth shut because society makes it seem pointless and aimless. We should aim to create and go for the gusto and let it all out through our favorite mediums, even if you don’t make it. You determine what your success is. Is it the richest and the bitches (I don’t like using the word in that context, but I have to get my point across), respect from a local community, or happy to be you, no matter the circumstances? Isn’t that what life should be about—creating what we want and living to see the children get older?