A Short (Non) Film: What If……

Words by Matthew Spence:

Your brain for your train of thought is more of a mental DMV for your thoughts: Show up early, get a number, and hope you get the fuck out there before Old Navy hits that afternoon rush and before that dude with a blank stare gets closer to you. We go through our mental filing cabinet all the time. EVERY FUCKING SINGLE DAY, unless you mastered meditation. We estimate to have around 50,000 thoughts a day. Some are good, some are intrusive, and others are resourceful…but there’s that sweet section: “In Case of an Emergency section” you built. All of those days, dazing off in religion class, getting high with the homies, and binging Twin Peaks, you unlock that percentage of your brain that even Mr. Small and Tibet Monks couldn’t reach.

The thoughts you have to yourself that you eventually bring to the group chats, sleepovers, lunch table, and a court date. “Did you know?” “How come?” They can range from movie plot holes, paradoxes, and the biggest rabbit holes: “What If.”. That’s one I go through often because I have no life, but one night after frying my brain on Adult Swim and seeing a Wasted Century post on the topic, it triggered that itch once more, and it led me to think of a bunch of “What Ifs.”. On a mindfuck scale, I’d say it’s a 5/5 because I’m dope. Not really, not trying to blow minds, just “What Ifs” I’ve been thinking about, no deeper construction. To Kendrick L-Giver, “It ain’t even gotta be deep.”

What if We Could See Cena?

In a perfect world, Lupe Fiasco would’ve featured John Cena on the remix for “Hip-Hop Saved My Life,” because who would’ve thought spitting a quick 10 bars is the reason why we have our Top 5 White People of all time right now. And I know he’s counting his stars every damn day. His future in the WWE was looking more faint than the numbers and letters in an eye exam. His ratings were mediocre, and his fanfare was piss poor. The Leeve was gonna break until one day during a stop, he decided to freestyle with other WWE crew members to pass the time and Stephanie McMahon put on her A&R and said in essence, “I like this; do this in the ring. OR YOU’RE FIRED!”. Ok, she probably didn’t pull a Benson, but she did tell him to do it in the ring. And at that moment, he got his Doctrine of Thuganomics.

But What If He Didn’t do it?  Childhoods would be different.

What If the Yonkers Roach lived to tell the story?

We remember the internet hysteria the Yonkers video caused: good and bad. From everyone thinking Tyler was the devil worshiper and Kanye tweeting that it’s the best video of 2011. We all remember when Tyler devastated the insect kingdom and ate the roach in the video, arguably the most iconic part of the video next to the opening line. It blew him up, and he never looked back, walking on the VMAs and Grammy red carpets.

But what if he decided “…Nah…”  Well, I have some ideas.

What if Eminems Mom Ordered Takeout that Night?

One of the most important memes of the 2010s and a decent restaurant in Detroit from what I heard. But what if, Eminem thought of his Moms other dishes? Moms Stew? Moms Bratwurst? Moms Pancakes? Don’t hit the same yo

What If Kendrick Let bygones be bygones?

I’m not gonna go over it. We know what happened. Where’s the Final Destination sense when you need it? Because none of us saw First Person Shooter being the cause of so much destruction.

But what if Kendrick said, “Let the past be the past” and said yes to doing First Person Shooter…….Well, we’re never gonna know now.

What If Diablo Cody Wasn’t a Hole Fan?

You know, Diablo Cody has a knack for picking really dope names. Case in point: her own fucking name. But what if she didn’t like Hole? What if she was into other one-word 90s alt bands? Any suggestions for alternative titles for Jennifer’s Body? How about “No, I’m Killing Boys”?

What if HypeBeast Culture was Still Hype?

HypeBeasts have been around since the dawn of time. There were probably motherfuckers who wanted to cop the wheel the second they saw everyone cheesing over it. But peak 2016-17 HypeBeast culture feels like a distant time and probably won’t reach the pinnacle it did. Supreme, Off-White, Complex Magazine, Round One Hollywood, it was a time. That some have succumbed to…including me. But in a time where it feels like more people are in tune with individual styles and taking inspo from many subcultures, what if HypeBeast Culture was still at its peak?

Simple: People would be more annoying and more broke.

What if the Weeknd Signed to OVOllumanti?

Keep it short and sweet. He had an HBO TV show that was pretty shitty, Performed at the Super Bowl, and broke a fuck ton of streaming records. If Abel signed to Drake…HE WOULD NOT BE AS SUCCESSFUL AND BIG AS HE IS NOW. Oh boy, and he’s probably kissing his mansion floor and blowing coke around his room like fairy dust, being grateful for knowing at that time, “Nah, I don’t need the money that bad.”

What if Bush had shitty reflexes?

What If I was White?

Thinking about that alternate reality, and helps me appreciate my actual reality and say “Damn, I lucked out”