The Battle of the Stans: Fantasy Matchups

Words by Matthew Spence:

[The following program is rated TV-MA and is intended for mature audiences, even though realistically, what 13-year-old is going to change the channel because of this? Whatever, viewer’s discretion is advised.]

[Note: obviously, I’m not calling for actual violence towards anyone. not verbally, physically, or anything in a realm that can cause harm]

Calvin: Good… Folks, welcome to—

Jerry: Why did you go mute there, Calvin?

Calvin: Because Jerry, morning, evening, or night—who fucking knows when they’ll be streaming this shit—let them fill in the blank and have fun Dora style.

Jerry: Ah

Calvin: On top of that, I took a little more than what my doctors recommended of my prescription. Truth be told, I need you to remind me what my name is every 5 minutes.

Jerry: Oh

Calvin: … Welcome to a brand spanking new episode of ”Stan Battle Royale”! I’m your host, Calvin Fickleberry, and sitting right beside me is my lovable partner, Jerry Bourgoise, and his scruffy ass mustache. You know why we’re here, Jerry?

Jerry: To fill that bedroom air while bored Zillennials clipped their toenails?

Calvin: No, well, technically yes, but no. To bring the greatest keyboard warriors, from different walks of MP3s, to the ring and let some music’s greatest stan bases duke it out arcade style. Settle the score. Mono y mono, Mortal to Kombat. Notorious online, sometimes Stan bases bring unpredictable weather to music discourse. It could be 80 degrees with the sun out or a batshit hailstorm, yet no matter the weather, being in that environment could make you the most annoyed person in the world. They tend to act as first responders for their favorite artists, possibly more than anyone else in said artists’ inner circle.

Jerry: W Emergency Contacts

Calvin: That’s right, they’re loyal and protective, all while being slight instigators to the Core. Constantly in the trenches when shit goes down, they gladly volunteer as tribute, but what happens when that leaves the apps and switches stages from online to IRL to back to online to Billy’s house to Final Destination to back to online once again. Music discourse often puts two peers up next to each other, sometimes in a harmless manner but often in a competitive manner.

Jerry: That’s how Lorde and Charli started beefing.

Calvin: Now, it’s time to let the Stans be in the forefront. Tonight’s match cards are locked, stocked, and smoking barrels with heavy hitters at the forefront, but who will come out on top with the Sword in the Stone? We can only imagine. Are you excited, Jerry?

Jerry: Absolutely, you said it all, Calvin. Tonight is going to be pandemonium. Now, let’s get this show on the road cuz hosting this show triggers my gambling addiction.

Calvin: Oh, I know… I know… Let’s Get It Started.

Match 1: The Barbz vs. Swifties

“The Battle of the Unhinged”

They may stand on opposite corners of the ring, but they meet in the middle with a shared level of hardcore allegiance. It’s over 9,000. So, their collision will be more explosive than blocking the Death Punch. Translation: They’re unhinged as fuck. In this corner, surrounded by more pink than healthy gums, your dentist hopes to see next visit. We got the Barbz. Whose wrap sheet is so vicious that they need to be considered for being labeled a terrorist group. From threatening and harassing a rape victim to traveling to another state to pull up over a Twitter argument, only Eric Cartman could match their freak, and that’s not a good thing.

On the other side, surrounded by posters of Mat Healy with his face scribbled over and 1200 variants of “Life of a Showgirl” ready to be thrown like bottles in a bar fight in case shit gets dirty, and best believe it will. The Swifties. On similar timing, they’re known for doxing and hounding naysayers/opps. Even John Mayer made sure his life insurance policies were in line after getting caught lacking by a Swiftie in the DMs.

Territorial pissings while their goats climb up the top of the Illuminati pyramid. But who will walk away as the superior fanbase?

Calvin: Oh, we have results already. Barbz fucked up the Swifties, but the Swifties use their white women tears to get the Barbz 20 years.

Match 2: Ye Stans vs. OVO Owls

2. “The Battle of Delusion.”

Split-screen their duels in IG comments and Twitter threads, and you’ll see the special technique of stanboxing from these two camps. Swift strikes of denial, aerodynamic glides for avoiding accountability, and equipping delusional mental warfare so strong that Robert Greene has to recall all of his published books.
Now, while Drake and Ye West have had a rocky relationship, with more fallouts and rekindlements between themselves, we need Nicole Rafiee to break down the history.

While they’ve become culture Most Wanted for various reasons, they’re backed by stanbases that weaponize ignorance to rationalize every wrongdoing their goat has done or allegedly done. They’re like the best worst eyewitness to bring to the stand.

Both are passionate; in the 2020s, both are fighting for their lives, defending their goats, so this matchup is for the ages.

Match 3: Clairos Performative Males vs. TV Girls Male Manipulators

Viewership may drop for this fight, but those who stick around will never forget seeing someone get Matcha splashed in their face.

Match 4 and Final Match: Coleminers vs. K. Bots

3. “The Battle of Pretentiousness.”

The yin-yang of consciousness and black aesthetic. Kendrick Lamar and J. Cole’s musical footprint and scarce digital footprint have led the two stanbases to be committed to their committee. In 2026, they give off genius Sheen energy. Pretentious and using their power for self—don’t get me wrong, the majority come from a well-meaning place, but in the streets of social media and music discourse, K. bots and Coleminers have been revealing their true shades post-2024. caping for their goats over their called-out missteps, overanalyzing every public move as if it’s a deeper plan, and carrying signs that say you just don’t get it because you don’t care for a song bar or project. Put them in a ring; it’ll be a chess game that constantly draws. There will be a W who will take it?