Writing Noir: The Misadventures of Frank Ocean Retirement Theory

Words by Matthew Spence:

Cue the music for the full effect. (Only if you want to)

Unpredictable. That’s the name of the game we play with life. We all have the same 24 hours, but simultaneously, not really. One moment, it’s a beautiful morning on your day off, trying to find a pair of socks without a hole in them, and then the next moment, you’re on the cold, mean streets of the night, trying to crack an unexpected case and buying a pack of cigarettes. Not to smoke them but for the look of the cool and dramatic effect of stress. The lovely lady of a day called Friday is where it all started. Doing the weekly stop at the local record shop, this visit was a bit more than random crate digging, but I came with a goal in mind. Buy another CD copy of MM… Food, because my dumbass dropped my CD case I bought two days prior from the shop. But I couldn’t help but overhear these two women; one looked like Emma Stone, and the other looked like the girl who sat behind me in geometry class sophomore year of high school but oddly, it wasn’t her…strange. Digression aside, they were discussing music of proper quality: Frank Ocean.

Passionately debating and having healthy conversing about the R&B phenomenon. Silent but electrifying. Ranging from topics of: What’s his most beautiful song, the underratedness of Endless, where his Oldie verse ranks amongst the song, and how his cock ring cost more than some cars. I couldn’t help but enjoy their enthusiasm; I’m a sucker for free, willing convos you know. The type where it’s loud enough for others to join in and the hosts are welcoming for others to join in if they want. I enjoyed it from afar though, until I had to move a bit closer in their direction because I was blocking someone trying to get to the “Weird” section of records. Then a question hit me, or in this case, it ricocheted off the Emma Stone doppelganger and hit me: When’s the New Music Coming?” I couldn’t help but ponder that question more deeply than ever.

If the nerd is matching his facts correctly. It’s been 8 years since his last full-length project and 1 year since his “Holy Clusterfuck” Coachella set, which was his first noteworthy set in 6 years by that point. Goddamn. “He’s Just Not That Into You” speaks loudly for the dynamic between Frank and his fans. In fact, at this point, becoming a Frank Ocean fan should require a contract with fine print. Like those pill commercials with the unorthodox “sweeping under the rug” info: it has six benefits, but speed runs through all 157 side effects it causes. All physical copies of Channel Orange should come with a stress ball and therapy sessions cause being a Frank Ocean fan will cause high levels of stress, disappointment, and slight delusion, but sincere hopefulness: “He will drop this year.” No need; Sherlock Homeboy is on the case to solve: Where is Frank Ocean… musically? Of course, out and about living life. You might see him in Paris, New York, or in a quick cameo for an Illegal Civ video.

As I broke out my magnifying glass, favorite bucket hat, and crisp investigative journalism skill, it was time to crack the case. After a few hours of following digital footprints, music, and Instagram stories that make us jump out of our seats. I came to one conclusion. Frank Ocean quietly quit music at the age of 29.

Clue #1. His “Boys Don’t Cry” magazine is an obvious call to the Cure song of the same title (as well the 99 film) so there’s a good chance Frank is a fan of the Cure. Possible Robert Smith stan? Perhaps? as big as Trey Parker? No, that takes the barbarian level of training to get to that level of standom.

Clue #2. Robert Smith, being a David Bowie Stan, believed his best album was made when he was 29. That album is “Low”

Clue #3. Robert Smith himself set out to create his best piece of art at the age of 29, due to him feeling many musical legends made their greatest work before reaching that age. Case in point, David Bowie’s “Low.” Robert would set out to reach his goal—the album he made at 29. The Cures’ “Disintegration”.

Clue #4. Blonde is without a doubt Frank’s Magnum Opus. No need to go through the accolades. Do the Googles. However, how old was Frank when Blonde was finally finished and released? 29. Dun Dun DUN.

Clue #5 Bowie is another influence of Franks, as Bowie had a full tribute photo in the aforementioned Boys Don’t’ Cry magazine and was even credited on Blonde (more as a tribute and influence than collaborative/musical work).

And it was this moment that this realization occurred to me… I have too much time on my hands. But it’s’ an idea that is probable…sorta. It’s a reach since he’s made a couple of loosies singles (and I mean very loose) and we see him posted up in the studio on Instagram over the past couple of months. However, it’s still an idea. Time to celebrate with some fresh air. Cracking the case, I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. Streetlights illuminate me; the night sky looks hypnotizing, but yet, the environment feels empty and hollow. For a moment, I stop and think, “Jesus, I need a better social life. But then I panic and realize, “Dammit, I should’ve brought my headphones to listen to Nikes.”.

-Roll Credits