Mild Kid, Decent City: Petty Crimes to Break

Words By Matthew Spence

Remember kids stay in school, eat your vegetables and try to be a good person and avoid a life of crime. Being above the law shouldn’t be something to strive for. We need rules or else the world would be like the movie, “The Purge”…except not a shitty movie but instead an unholy shitty reality. With that being said though, there are some laws…misdemeanors you will, that make you say to yourself “eh… the fuck are you gonna do about it, give me a fine?”. Well, yes most likely, but it’s worth the attempt.  You should stay on the good side of the law (a clean record is a happy life kinda), but if there are ever moments that you can’t, try to keep it at a minimum, live on the edge, and break these.


Defined as: “the act of crossing a street in an illegal, careless, or unsafe manner”

People have places to go and shit to do. No different from those in their cars on their way to destination “wherever the fuck”. Whether it’s a quick walk to a store or your weekly routine walking to work when you see the perfect window to cross. Go for it. Take your time, hurry up, choice is yours …. BUT PLEASE DON’T GET HIT. Try your best to time and seek a good gap to go, don’t run when traffic is super tight and heavy. Minor crime, hell you might do this without even realizing it, Shit, most cops probably don’t even look out for it, but still… Fuck it.

[Light] Vandalism

Graffiti, I’m referring to this as “light vandalism”. Don’t break stuff and destroy. Instead, design over it. It falls in the line of Vandalism. Yet, it’s artistic. Vandalism is art yo. Graffitiing and spray-painting can be an outlet that can lead to creations to admire. Leave your mark. It doesn’t necessarily need to be Keith Harring’s (who gained notoriety from street graffiti) level of artistic, it could be as simple as “ABC”, literally. Now, don’t target a running business for that; most likely, the people running will try to call the police. Try run-down abandoned buildings, brick walls, and basically anywhere where there’s a less chance of people giving a fuck if you do.  Then go beyond that, leave stickers on signs and mailboxes (promote brands and bands), carve your loved one’s initials on a tree, and write “Hurry the Fuck Up” on the side of a payphone. It gives things a personal feel.

Petty Theft

If you want or need to steal, don’t steal from pedestrians, family, friends, and small/local businesses. Not cool, go for big corporations that could afford you stealing a pack of gum or a couple of bags of chips. Capitalism is on their side. We’re not though, so fuck ’em’, their employees probably think the same way anyways. Just remember to: have an escape plan, and be aware of security, in case you get caught. Aren’t I a good influence? <insert cheeky smile>

Maybe you get a thrill or maybe you just don’t give a fuck. Whichever your stance, petty crimes are cheap ways of getting under the skin of the law. A middle finger when they’re not looking, cause well… you don’t wanna get caught and in trouble. Be smart, don’t go overboard, don’t hurt anyone, and be petty with these petty crimes (or do not commit any crimes at all, I guess but you get the idea).

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