A Letter to Aliens: “Holy Crap You’re Real”

Words by Matthew Spence:

Dear Space People,

You were probably in the middle of binge-watching “Earth: The Next Generation” to read this random letter. So thanks yo! Beyoncé is on tour right now and Florida is most likely doing some entertaining shit so this being acknowledged makes me feel special. Well, it seems like we’re getting closer to meeting and playing Mario Kart together……. or you guys invade the planet and recreate the dream Jimmy had in Ed Edd’ n Eddy. You know, however, you want to spend a Friday night.



Seems like your number one stan was right. Sir Thomas Delon- “Toast and Bananas, Degenerate, sick of handjobs”-ge. Tom was right.


Who saw that coming? Like seriously, like who actually saw that coming?!? I figured the day we get Alien confirmation is the day Tom would join back Blink. Both happened…so…it’s beyond egg on my face and I’m just getting egged like a Halloween Prank.

Granted he did tell us in 99 [Track 3 on this album forever changed history].

The man is so infatuated with aliens that he made his side project outside of music, trying to find aliens. His company- To the Stars (which in 2019, got a government contract for TTSA’s research efforts). But hey, some listen and some don’t. It’s not like we were all skeptical, I think most people of Gen Z and a good amount of the other gens were more lenient to the idea of not being the only living beings in the universe. Like come on, ain’t no fucking way. Granted, y’all are are assholes for not throwing a bone to let believers look less delusional and paranoid. Leave more concrete evidence like strange footprints, drop your leftovers, and leave a camera full of debauchery pics like The Hangover. But it doesn’t matter, cause we’re aware of each other now. We could bond and learn about each other or at least tolerate each other before one or the other decides “LET’S GET EM”. I, like many, have so many questions and I hope you do Reddit AMA.

Now, on your end, you’re probably making nachos and watching “Step Brothers” or the space equivalent of that, thinking about the time you drew on the face of the guy you abducted. Just another night for you, nothing much as you pass by us. However, on this planet, it’s fucking mind collapsing to know that we’re not alone.  Especially considering, the idea you may be extremely intelligent and more tactical than us. Some of us use Pythagoras’ theorem every day, while others still struggle with the difference between “your” and “you’re”. It’s fascinating yet frightening, the double “F”, (not fuckface). Do you sympathize or empathize? Do you study us the way we study you? Do you watch us like how we watch animals in a zoo? Are we so batshit unstable as a species that you probably actively avoid us? I don’t blame you if it’s yes to the last one. Out of all the media interpretations, which TV/film/book had the best representation of your kind? hell, do you guys look like us? Are these good questions or are they stupid? I don’t know, I’m just a motherfucker who likes to ask questions,  hence why I have a zine, but the world moves at such a fast pace, many are gonna forget about all this within 2 weeks, hell some after 24hrs. So feel a bit relieved that your cover will be unblown…… minus the government, Tom DeLonge, and alien hunters scouting for you 24/7. Will we ever meet? Should we even be near each other? Ehhh, time will tell like the Bob Marley song. I’ll leave this letter in a bottle and let it drift away in a river, cause someone’s gotta get this letter and I don’t have money to send a letter in space.



Some nerd from Cherry-Tape writing to aliens because I need to find more things to do with my time.

P.S. Tom DeLonge was really right. He must feel vindicated by the magnitude.



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