Hitchwriter Schools Survival Guide to Moshing

Words by Matthew Spence:

Aww geez. Looks like I put myself in another sticky situation. I promised my friends that’ll mosh with them, during our next night out at a show. In the words of Craig Jones: “Peer Pressure is a Motherfucker”. I’ve never actually moshed before. Hell, I barely like it when family members touch me, so I for sure wouldn’t like strangers doing it. However, new experiences are good, and breaking out of your comfort zone is a must. Yet, I wouldn’t even know how to approach it. I don’t want them to know I’m lacking in skills. Oh boy, what should I ever do? Thankfully I have 2 days to prepare and learn the ropes…, I just need an hour and a half and I’ll be fine. Thankfully, I found this DVD on moshing at Family Dollar, behind a copy of How to Lose a Man in 10 Days. Let me pop it in and let it cook.

[20 mins Later]

Ok. That was a bust because I spent 20 minutes watching an anthology: including but not limited to parts of Finding Dory, random commercials, and a Crack Deal. Let’s try Youtube.

[15 Mins Later]

Ahh, here’s something: “Hitchwriter School Survival Guide to Moshing” sounds promising. If not…Eh, I’ll tell my friends I can’t make it cause I have to get my braces tightened (even though I haven’t had braces since I was 13).

[Proceeds to watch video]

If you stumbled upon this…good job, you have good taste and you don’t suck. Also, you’re considering moshing. Tired of feeling like a Scott on the wall at shows.

When the opening horns on “Family Ties” blare, you have a fear of catching the cheese touch.

“Who Dat Boy” gets you hyped but you don’t wanna catch the cooties from a shove.

Don’t wanna get knocked out unconscious while Amyl is shouting “GO FUCK YOURSELF”. You’re in luck. My name is Brock Johnny Nathan Flander Urkel Jr. This is Hitchwriter’s Survival Guide to Moshing. Teaching the ropes to prepare anyone for their first moshpit. With backed data and surveys from a few people, you’ll learn all kinds of neat tricks including advice from: this guy, that guy, some nerd who hasn’t moshed, some guy who has, and that dude across the street who let me use his printer to print out my history essay.

Know the B.I.B.L.E.

First, you must do this. Go in your bathroom, light vanilla-scented candles, turn off the lights, look in the mirror, and repeat this word 3 times: “Moshpit”. Legend has it, MC Ride comes over to hand you a pamphlet to read (make sure you tip him $2). Get an idea before a test run.

Moshpits are where like-minded individuals: push, shove, crash, bump into each other. With the occasional collateral damage of swinging fists and kicks (usually by accident unless you’re a violent Dick). That’s just the circle pit, the Wall Of Death is for another discussion in a different ballpark. Its’ come a long way from being strictly in the hardcore & punk scene from the early 80s [Thanks Bad Brainds]. Now, it’s more musically universal: Hip-Hop shows, metal, country shows, hell people probably try to mosh at Men I Trust concerts or to that animatronic band at Chuck E Cheese. Blow off steam while living in the moment of music and fun.

2. Beware You’re In For A Scare

There’s a reason moshpits caused so much mass hysteria for Boomers and Gen-X’ers, more than Polio and Communism.

Bad & Tragic incidents aren’t foreign to this world. People have gotten injured and/or lost their lives due to: ignorance. lack of order, people getting carried away, and not considering others around them. Even if the injury/death toll isn’t high compared to other incidents. Be Mindful. Don’t be a violent dick.

Now the moment You’ve all been waiting for: the survival guide. Memorize them like the rules to surviving horror films

Step 1: Don’t Take Stray Hits Personally

Step 2: Keep Moving. Keep on Keeping On

Step 3: Stay towards the edge of the pit you’re new

Step 4: If someone falls PLEASE PICK EM BACK UP

Step 5: Don’t force anyone/drag anyone in it nor keep someone in when they’re clearly trying to avoid it/exit

Got It Memorized? Good. Now, finish your Woo-Hoo and get out there champ! Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna go play baseball with my little brothers, Rubix Cube.

[Video Over]

Wow, That was useful. I guess? I think? Eh, Fuck it, I’ll just stay home and watch The Bear.